Oh boy. You would think having moved every 9 and 3 months for the past four years in college would make me more prepared for transition. The truth is, this is a crazy, crazy thing that so far has required lots of conversation, plenty of tears, and much planning.
The past two weeks have been very surreal. We had a great time the weekend after we found out Josh got the job. We celebrated and enjoyed getting to tell all of our friends and family how excited we are to move. We basked in the comfort of knowing we would have a paycheck in June when our budget ends. We also spent a lot of time just looking at each other and saying, "can you believe we're actually doing this?!"The farther out we get from that day, and the closer we get to moving day, the more real it is becoming. Sort of. My prayers recently have been for the Lord to help me to feel the gravity of this change in a real way. My tendency is to just shove my emotions down and not think about how hard it will be until it's over and done. I really don't want to do this with such a big transition like this. I want to be able to understand that it is going to be really hard to say good bye, and that it's going to be really exciting to be in a new city and meet new people. I just don't want to pretend that it's going to be easy and that getting there is going to be all roses.
This process of processing and accepting and getting excited for the move has really brought out a lot of new things in me. I am learning how much I choose to worship my own comfort, control, and happiness instead of Jesus. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety over this whole thing; getting really overwhelmed with all the little details and decisions that needed to be made; worrying over whether or not I would even like living in a city I have only visited once. I fought hard against Jesus. I didn't want to pray. I didn't want to run to Him and tell Him all my fears. I wanted to keep control of all of them and worry about them myself. But, finally, I couldn't anymore. I thought my chest was going to explode from the anxious chaos inside, so finally, I prayed. I told Jesus that I wanted to do what was most comfortable for me, that I wanted to be able to have control over everything that was happening, and that I am really, really afraid of not being happy in this new place. The more I prayed, the more I realized that Jesus is the only one I can trust in. Yes, Chicago may not be within my comfort zone. Making new friends may not be easy. I may not have control over every little detail in this move. And, in reality, I may not be happy in Chicago. But, the one thing I can bank on, is my relationship with Jesus. I can trust that He will continue to grow and change me. That He will always care for Josh and I. I am taking a lot of heart in a passage we discussed in church not long ago. Our pastor told us that God is our father. Just like a father cares for and loves and protects his children, that's what God does for us. When a child is afraid, you want them to run to their daddy and tell him their fears and be comforted there. God wants that from us, too. So, I have taken much comfort in this:
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you" Isaiah 41: 10, 13
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